Today, IRL

You guys, I have pneumonia and it fucking sucks, but now I'm really good at spelling "pneumonia" and will never again struggle with "is it 'pne' or 'pen'", it's "pne" stupid. I've been on antibiotics and bed rest for the last four days and its been nothing short of what-did-I-do-to-make-you-hate-me-lord? I also have not showered in what seems like eternity, but who's counting?

Let's get to the real, real, y'all.

As I perused the internets this afternoon I noticed a link from Slate.com; I subscribed to slate.com on facebook when I was dating my exboyfriend Tim, he enjoyed some of the articles on the website and I wanted to be able to talk to him about things I too had read. The headline for this piece read as followed "Dear Prudie: Help! I'm too embarrassed to tell people I go to Harvard!" and then the internet unraveled and fell on the floor and then my poor meatball rolled out of the door...

no wait, nvrm.

I sat there staring at my computer screen trying to make the words in the headline make any kind of sense but alas they did not. I went on to read the article (regrettably) and the gist of this piece was that a Harvard student felt alienated by other non-harvard-going students/peers for being accepted into one of the best schools in the country.

What in the actual fuck?

I must have read this person's sob story about 800 times and every time it became more and more like something you'd read on The Onion.

You are feeling alienated because you got into an amazing school and people around you are curious about how you got in, what you're studying, and their presumption of your intelligence? 

HOW DEBILITATING.

It perhaps would have been a more interesting read had the question been presented:

 "Dear Prudie: I am burdened with the incredible privilege of attending an Ivy league school but carry some inane feelings of guilt because my friends/peers/people in my general vicinity do not go to Harvard. Can you please give me tips on how to still tell people I go to Harvard but get them to leave it at that and create an air of  humility?"

If you do something awesome, like I don't know, go to Harvard, graduate from college, teach your cats to NOT PISS ON YOUR BED, then you should fucking tell the world man, fuck humility***!

Seriously, 9.9 times out of 10 people prod because they're curious and hey, you got accepted and currently attend a school that is notoriously difficult to get into, so yeah, you're 'cool' build a bridge and get the fuck over it, because you're a junior in college and the real world is waiting to eat you alive.

Next fucking question.





***Humility is actually a very important attribute and one should work hard to attain it, but in this instance it is nothing but smoke up a tail pipe. Like, for real.

Cheer up, Buttercup

It's a funny thing depression; I grew up thinking that I'd never struggle with it because I was a happy child and content adolescent. I never anticipated that I'd feel like I've been hit by a bus or drowned and resuscitated in a tortuous never ending loop, but maybe I was too naive to know better or in denial because well adjusted educated adults don't suffer this way, right?

 It's hitting me hard lately, and I've never felt this severe.

My body hurts all over, food is an afterthought, and on the days I don't work I struggle with leaving my bed. Before yesterday I hadn't showered in a week. I don't know what to do here. Admittedly there are so many people who struggle with this very same disease and in that respect I'm just like them, just like the rest, by no means special, but I am lucky in regards to having the friends and family that I do, the ones who can see that I am in "a place" and call to check in, invite me to dinner, give me a hug, and tell me that if I need to talk they're there to listen.

What do you say to someone who has no idea where you're coming from? How do you get them to see that you want to get better, you want to be happy, but you simply don't know how?

I am trying.

I've taken up skating again, although I'm quite critical of myself because my endurance and skills have decreased since my long hiatus, but I push anyway. I've gone to the gym a few times for long durations to try and focus on other things. I am writing more, applying for jobs at publications in hopes that I land my dream job and my life becomes the fairy tale I imagined as a girl. I'm browsing the dating websites, nothing serious, just a video game where I go back to 5th grade and I'm passing an internet note that reads "do you like me circle "yes" or "no". It's too soon to open up again, but I keep the faith.

Listening to a lot of indie rock lately- trying to cheer myself up, regain momentum, clean my fucking apartment because "squalor" is not a good look for anyone.

Brad has become this intrusive entity in my dreams; I can't stop recanting the moments where in between work and play there was a closeness, an intimacy that I found came easy. I'm saddened still that it's over, but I am proud of myself for being more honest this time- I was candid with the fact that I am insecure and that I need things that perhaps present themselves as a task that is not easily tackled, to care for a person who is suffering from an illness that renders them impossibly resigned.

Unfair perhaps.

I know better, I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and I know that there is help out there but I'm weary on this journey and I'm loosing speed. Gotta keep the faith, have to pray harder, have to see a therapist, need to get well.

Somethings gotta give, right?

Thanks for listening, smell ya later.

It's always darkest before the dawn

I am unsure of a lot of things, and I'm pretty scared to admit most things, but what I'm most afraid of is falling in love with someone who cannot stand to love me back.
,
Maybe I'm making up stories in my head, and maybe these scenarios don't actually exist, but I'm so out of control lately I can't tell which end is up and I just got pulled under a rapid. I find myself praying more, evoking the Lord, asking for his(her?) help. This is not the place for theological discussion; I'm just a girl who feels in over her head.

I just don't want it to be over yet, okay?

Playing Fast and Loose

I want to fall in love, and I want to do it with you.

Every day I'm floating further and further away, so close to the stratosphere and closer still to the sun and I'm afraid I'm going to get burned. It's a feeling of unbridled joy and impending doom, how is it that the human condition is capable of this, these multifaceted feelings? I'm 200 dollars in at the craps table in a seedy casino and I don't know the rules.

If anything else, I just want to be in your company and share a cheese plate.

I would love nothing more than to share my cheese with you, so let me do it.

And Therein Lies The Problem

I will admit that I am a jealous person, I always have been and I always will be. I am not perfect so I feel like it's okay to have a fault that so many other posses and while I struggle with keeping it under control, I think I do a pretty good job at not letting my jealousy get the best of me in a female-male dynamic.

I have been extremely jealous as of late.

There are a lot of factors playing into this feeling, for one, I haven't established a ground with my casual partner whom for this post and future posts I will refer to as "Mr. Kite", I should do this, I should have that conversation that I really don't want to have, I should come to terms with that fact that ultimately I cannot force him to not see other people, and I should understand that if he can't keep himself from sleeping with other women, no matter how much I like him, he is not the one for me and I'll have to do what's best for me and let it go.

So many grown up decisions.

I am insecure; I haven't skated for a while and that was always what kept my spirits high and made me feel valued and strong. I remember feeling insecure when my ex husband would go to the sports bar down the street from our apartment, and he'd ask me why I hated going there and I'd feel ashamed, sad, and angry all at the same time and reply "because, I don't look like those girls and I never will".  Tim did a lot of things for me, but I never felt was secure, and I know that when it comes down to it, feeling secure in a relationship is really important.

This realization has made me sad, and I cried for like, an hour last night.

Sometimes I see Mr. Kite and I feel great and I get full of a certain feeling, a certain "Je ne sais quoi" if you will; I tell myself to play it cool and pretend that I'm not totally stoked and he's there but then I'm an awkward idiot with two left hands when he's around and its tremendously e
mbarrassing. I looked at him and I knew that he was a ladies man and that if I were going to do this, I'd have to deal with that, what I didn't anticipate was actually enjoying the time we spent together which is really having a strange, adverse effect on my brain. Sometimes (always) he flirts with the cocktail waitresses which like, a month ago was no big deal, but now I have to really concentrate on not turning bright red with fury and she hulking out.

You guys, I'm really freaking out here.


Why, emotions?!

He was drunk the other night and he whispered something like "let's just keep doing what we're doing" which completely mindfucked me and I felt weird and clammy after that.

I've got to get a hold of myself here.

KEEP IT TOGETHER, ELLE.

Before you, after you

I need to remind myself more often that I can do it on my own and while it's nice to have a person there to back me up, I was here before them and I'll be here after them, God willing.

I just have to make it through to the end of this year.

My cat bit the shit out of my arm.

Goodnight.

505

It's 5:05 a.m. and the whole world is sleeping; I however, am desperately searching the inner sanctum of my brain trying to remember the things I learned in college to ensure that the rest of this blog entry is eloquently put.

My feet smell terrible; I either have to start wearing socks or purchase new shoes, also possibly stop working if that could be a thing where I do nothing but also somehow get paid for that.

It's been a while since I've updated so let me give you the rundown of how my trip to NYC went:

-I hung out with my best friend for 4 days straight
-I saw a handful of the best people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing
-I missed some people that I wanted to see, but I'll visit again soon
-We ate some badass food
-We drank from BKLN to LES, East Village to SoHo
-Got lost in Greenpoint at 5 a.m.
-Remembered what it was like to fall in love with a city
-Saw a Broadway show with James Fucking Franco
-Said Goodbye
-Sprinted through a terminal
-Stopped in Chicago
- Flew home to my cats

You guys, YOU GUYS, I really needed that. Leaving your problems behind is not how you fix things, but it helps a shit ton.

I haven't been with Tim in 3.5 months (+/- 2 weeks) and its okay. I sent my cake and I'm okay. I won't say that I don't harbor some real resentment towards him because I do, but I'm just not that big of a person and I never claimed to be.

3 really is the magic number, y'all.

The more I think about my relationship with Tim, the more I realized that our relationship was based on my ertocised vision of this person who possessed what I believed I wanted in a partner. I was looking for the qualities I'd found in men I'd dated before; Tim was my type: tall, thin, and disaffected, and it's funny that you only notice that all of these attributes were a-typical of the failures of relationships past.


 I am a young hispanic female and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. 

I've recovered and I am content.

Now comes the nitty gritty, the thing you'll judge me for, and the reason for your exaggerated sigh:

*I am seeing someone now. 

*if you count weekly casual encounters + lunches/dinners as dating; I'll need his conformation on this one. 

I am often amazed that I've made it this far because when it comes to feelings one-on-one I am bad about sharing them. I find myself currently in this kerfluffle if you will, with this gentleman person because I don't know how to approach uncomfortable topics of conversation without behaving like a love sick 4 year old.

I'VE GOT KINDERGARTEN EMOTIONS AND I'M UNABLE TO SHARE THEM WITH OTHERS IN A MANNER THAT MAKES FUCKING SENSE.

You see the problem here is that I've allowed myself to become involved with a person, a beautiful, exceptional person.

Did you see that?! FEELINGS?!

!!!!!!!!!!!????

I don't know how to have that awkward conversation where you tell your casual partner that you're "batshit crazy" and hope that he can "see passed that and entertain the idea of exclusivity" without "any pressure". I guess I just really kind of like this guy and like, if he fucks someone else I'm gonna be real pissed off.

I might be jumping the gun here, shit, if he still wants to share a bed with me after this week then we'll consider it progress because my cat attacked him and he got cellulitis and it was his birthday.

Ok, here's a picture, I don't know if any of this made sense.

Bye.