As Tears Go By

It's the last* cold snap of the season which means two things: today is miserable, and April is now a winter month.

*there is no substantiating evidence to back up this claim and I am not a meteorologist 

I really thought that by this time I'd feel better, have more energy, and just be on an upward swing but instead I feel like I'm drowning; I seriously don't know what to do. I had lunch with a friend of mine who I rarely get to spend time with but genuinely enjoy; we talked about what our lives have been like lately, what's changed, our post trauma goals. We finished lunch and I headed to the mall with my best friend and then it started to hit me; I felt this enormous wave of despair overwhelm me.

We sat in the car, joked, talked, laughed but it was hard for me not to sit there and just explode. I just needed to unload, but I knew that this wasn't the time for that and even though she's the only person I can be around that often, I needed to go home. It took everything inside of me to not  immediately begin to cry and tell her that I feel like nothing is getting better and that everything is getting worse.

I know now what genuine depression feels like.


One month ago I had a medical procedure done that left me feeling entirely empty, two weeks later my boyfriend broke up with me without warning, and one week ago I was fired from my job because I was too sad.

I have these dreams where it's not so bad and Tim is there and we're sitting in his living room and he looks up at me from his couch and he sees me the way he used to.

God help me

If anyone is listening, please, please help me because I have never felt this lost before in my entire life. I cry all the time, I sleep as often as I can, and I cannot find relief from this horrible state of being. I am completely lost.