Bohemian Like You

I had this dream last night where I was being chased by a group of Dementors and when I finally cast my patronus it was a hot dog; it was really weird and it woke me up.

It was 5:30 a.m. so I decided that I'd start working instead of attempting to fall back asleep. I just started a new job as the beverage director at a popular establishment in midtown Houston and I'm pretty eager to assert myself in this position, so away I typed on my laptop. I wrote 864 words before 6:30 a.m. and I was far from done, but it's nice to have something to focus on aside from my shitty broken heart. I know its getting old and you're tired of reading about it.

I've been going at this whole management position with unbridled fever, so I'm on the upside of anger for the most part. 

A few nights ago I lapsed a bit; after a long hard day I came home and started fucking around on the internet, because every stupid fucking purchase I make happens under the influence of  a whiskey or two on the rocks. Like, a month prior to my breakup I purchased a cake sampler from Momofuku Milk Bar in New York City, because it was my favorite comfort bakery in all of the city and I wanted Tim to have something special for Valentines Day. It arrived to my mothers house and sat in the freezer so that it would be good when I finally had the chance to give it to Tim. It sat and sat, time passing because our lives had become bogged down with work and extracurricular bullshit. Then Tim broke up with me and the world exploded. I ate the cake sampler. All of it. Every morsel consumed between hot tears and episodes of House M.D. I felt like a recovering addict, relapsing on a three day bender. All the lows were felt.

I stared at the website, every neuron firing simultaneously and dancing with the sweet burbon coursing through my blood, riding high on that whiskey horse. I stared a bit more, and then I decided that I'd do what I wanted to do initially and send it to Tim, because rational thinking is not a thing in my life. I input the payment information with care, proofreading the credit card number, the address, the date of delivery. Two more clicks and boom, off to the interwebular tangle of information my order was sent.

That cake sampler is not fucking cheap.

I woke in the morning a bit hazy. I leave for New York in two days and I'm what one would call "strapped for cash". I lay and reflect: what's the worse that can happen? He throws it away? He hates me for sending him cake? Like, please.

I forget what the note said verbatim but I remember including "please never date someone cooler than I am. Love from 1636 miles away"

Back to the present.

Tim went on a river trip- I only know this because I saw some photos he was tagged in by a mutual friend. I saw the photos and my first thought was "where are his glasses?" then "he's wearing shorts." and finally "he's smiling." I thought about it for a minute; in January we'd spent time at Hamilton pool and dreamed up plans for the summer, a summer where everything was good and we were happy.  My heart began to ache. I watched a video where he was standing in the middle of a lake and plopped into the water in a pseudo baptism. I cried for a few minutes.

He'll probably never eat the cake.

Thank God for my job, it keeps me busy and I enjoy it thus far. I'll talk to you guys when I'm done healing up in NYC, and I'll have some fun shit to share with you.

Thanks for listening, stay cool.

Sight For Sore Eyes

I spent this morning on a good note; I woke early, showered, prepared breakfast, and watched a documentary on Netflix. In the history of good starts from 1 to 10, I'd say this was like, I dunno, a strong 8. 
I applied for a job at Gawker today, totally rad. I'm not sure if they'll even take a look at me but I'll share the email I sent them with you:

 Attached is a resume, a photo of a cat, and a link to my current blog where you will find all the writing samples you could ever want. I would love the opportunity to work for a publication in which I could utilize my liberal arts degree and finally confirm that the thousands of dollars spent on formal education was in fact not all for naught. Should you decide to pass on me, no hard feelings, but I pray thee finds me at the very least a serious contender.

Best regards,

Elle Kay

Attached was this photo

Tabby Cat is Tabby

I don't know what'll happen, but I've got to keep trying.

As the day wore on, the air thickened with moisture and the sky greyed, a prototypical omen of omens.

I was on my way to work when I spotted Tim sitting outside the bar he works at smoking a cigarette and talking to a girl I'd recognized for the last time he and I had spoken. I could feel the ball of ice in my stomach reach critical temperature, I was growing increasingly unstable, and my mother rambled on, and on making me beyond nauseous. This girl in the black skirt and the black shirt with brunette hair liked Tim and I could see that he too was at least quasi-interested (mind you this was like, a mere 35 second observation). I want to kill her, and all the other "her's" that might look his way, but especially her.

I tried my best to maintain composure, attempting to subdue the tremendous fire of jealousy and unabashed full on ire, and it worked for approximately 10 minutes. I found my way to work, walked into the backroom, sat on an empty cooler, and began to sob. I shook with fury and the thoughts flooded:

How could he move on so soon? Why does he not love me? What did I do to ruin this? Why did he forget about me? 

I thought about how I'd visit him at work before we dated and I wondered if she was doing what I'd done only 6 months prior. Perhaps this girl and I weren't so different. I proceeded to do the most asinine thing one could do in a situation like this and had a full blown text message breakdown. 

i divulged every emotion as it simultaneously ran through my entire body, I voiced the anger I feel, because to say "felt" would suggest that I am not angry anymore and that just isn't so,  not my finest moment. I finished with this

I guess I'm just not ready

And I know this to be true, but I also know that time heals all wounds, but it just does it excruciatingly slow. 

Whatever, time. 

I'll stop talking about this soon, but I'm still not over it and I need to say the things in my head lest I act foolishly.

God help me see this through.

Ok Stupid

Tonight I went on a date with a guy I met via OkCupid, and while I anticipated something close to the 10th circle of hell, it was actually pretty great.

I ran into Tim, he ignored me, I died a little, and that was the end of that.

We had a few beers, I drank a topo chico.

My date did not get to come upstairs because I can't imagine being close to anyone just yet but at least I know that I can get back on the horse that tried to kill me.

Poor guy was so bummed.

My neighbor is drunk and asleep on the couch in the foyer;

and I still miss Tim and my heart is still broken.

Waning Moon

The First Time I Met You

Our Relationship (I remember you saying you played a show with them and it made me like you like, 100 times more)

Happy Together

Making fun of Everyone Else

In and Out of Love

It's really over, isn't it?

Smell ya later

Crimson Surfing

This post is going to be...graphic-ish.

I started my menstrual cycle today, and while it's not my very first, it is my first in a long time.

I sat in the bathroom this morning and coming to that realization I felt two things: inconceivable joy and unrelenting sadness. I cried. Women menstruate, it's generally unspectacular and life goes on, but then when it's gone- your body is different and it's telling you the only way it ever could; it was the most painful period I've ever had. 

Enough about periods.

I thought about the film "Her" today; I saw it with Tim in theatres a few months ago. I remember feeling like sand and sunshine when the film began, positrons teeming with energy, and as the story progressed I changed from a brilliant star to a red dwarf, a dying star, and before the supernova something spectacular happened and saved the world from being swallowed up by space, yes, this is how the film made me feel. I don't think I stayed with Tim that evening, because I remember him sending me a few texts that made me feel...secure. I couldn't tell you now verbatim what he wrote, but I distinctly remember him saying that the film was an inspiration for us both to be better partners to/for each other. I remember thinking that I only ever wanted to be a good partner for Tim, because for the first time I didn't feel like I was getting the short end of the stick.

I try sometimes to engage him in conversation, even though every website/self help program insists on a 30 days no contact clause that I'm a week short of. I cannot help myself sometimes, because I really miss him. I don't understand why it's so difficult to just be honest with people, why should there be repercussions for telling people the truth? The texting is sporadic and everytime he responds it feels so cold, often mechanic, and it draws me back to all the questions that keep me up. I wonder how he feels?

I have these flashes of austere non reality- unpleasant thing's that haven't happened; I imagine Tim dating someone else. It has been the salt on my wound. Please, don't ever let him date anyone cooler than I am. I cannot handle something like that.

Please make sure she is obese and has weird body hair, and please let every single one of his friends hate her.

Tonight I remembered when he had too much to drink after hours at work, I stayed with him while he closed ; he was wearing his then-new pearl snap shirt he'd purchased at the levi's store. He fervently washed glasses and I sat and watched; he commented on how warm it was inside the building and before I knew it he'd taken off his shirt and continued to wash.

I started a new job recently and tonight was unkind to me; so many lost drinks, so many tickets, so little cocktails learned, I was a complete greenhorn tonight. 

Major sad face :(

I'll leave you with this song, that gives me hope and I'm going to hit the sheets tonight and pray, like I've been praying, and I hope the powers that be hear me. 

Today

Today was great. I had a great day.

The only thing in the entire universe that could make today better is a hug from Tim. I miss Tim's hugs. 

Also, $2,000,000,000. I wish I had $2,000,000,000.

As Tears Go By

It's the last* cold snap of the season which means two things: today is miserable, and April is now a winter month.

*there is no substantiating evidence to back up this claim and I am not a meteorologist 

I really thought that by this time I'd feel better, have more energy, and just be on an upward swing but instead I feel like I'm drowning; I seriously don't know what to do. I had lunch with a friend of mine who I rarely get to spend time with but genuinely enjoy; we talked about what our lives have been like lately, what's changed, our post trauma goals. We finished lunch and I headed to the mall with my best friend and then it started to hit me; I felt this enormous wave of despair overwhelm me.

We sat in the car, joked, talked, laughed but it was hard for me not to sit there and just explode. I just needed to unload, but I knew that this wasn't the time for that and even though she's the only person I can be around that often, I needed to go home. It took everything inside of me to not  immediately begin to cry and tell her that I feel like nothing is getting better and that everything is getting worse.

I know now what genuine depression feels like.


One month ago I had a medical procedure done that left me feeling entirely empty, two weeks later my boyfriend broke up with me without warning, and one week ago I was fired from my job because I was too sad.

I have these dreams where it's not so bad and Tim is there and we're sitting in his living room and he looks up at me from his couch and he sees me the way he used to.

God help me

If anyone is listening, please, please help me because I have never felt this lost before in my entire life. I cry all the time, I sleep as often as I can, and I cannot find relief from this horrible state of being. I am completely lost.