Exquisite Corpse pt 1

I am sitting at a cafe in Houston; it has taken me three hours to eat a tamale.

three hours and your food just melts into itself, like a tamale implosion

The last few months of my life are a lot like climbing the north face of Mt. Everest. which is approximately 8,848 m (29,029 ft). The last time I was here on this blog, I was having a crisis of faith in myself, my career, and humanity as a whole; I had never felt so low, so terrible, and beyond all so damn pathetic. 

Allow me to catch you up and then we can move on.

Three and a half months ago I became involved with a wonderful man, who kind of just swept me off my feet unexpectedly. It was great. He was kind, and giving, and handsome and completely so far from my "type" of man, but what a welcomed change it was. Now sometimes things, as great as they are and as perfect as they may seem will still fall apart, because nothing is perfect and no one can predict the future. I'll save the straw that broke the camels back for myself because everyone deserves a shred of privacy, but just as quickly as the love came, it was gone.

There is another person in my life, and he has been here a long time. Being alone is kind of just the pitts, so its nice to have someone who is there for you when you need it. I've attached myself to him as a constant, something in the equation in my life that cannot change, and I am wrong for it. A man approaching his thirties does not belong to me, and it pains me greatly but it is time for me to let go.  

I walked into his house the other day, what a nice house it was, rooted in the heart of suburbia, a land of milk and honey. A quick hello to his house guests, and then I could feel it, a cold burning in the pit of my stomach. I suppose it would be unfair to refer to his female friend as a vapid shell of a human being, but this is my blog and I will do as I please. Its quite a terrible feeling this jealousy, and it wasn't so much that she was there, but it was the familiar feeling, the information stowed away that he had divulged, and the vulnerability I felt as one who has retained a level of limerence for this man. As we ventured out for the evening, after she left, I could only feel anger, regret, sadness, and a slew of other negative adjectives that can be surmised by a wearing a sour face.

Why? Why am I feeling these irrational emotions? Frustration. 

I went home late, I sat in bed and cried. WHY AM I CRYING? WHY DO I FUCKING CARE?

I NEED TO CLEAN MY APARTMENT! BE A GROWN UP, JULIE.

So naturally last night I looked for some comfort in his words; I reached out to him the way he did to me a few nights earlier, feeling sad, alone, and pathetic.

What a enormous let down.

I cannot feel sad anymore, not over some inexplicable feeling of unrequited empty love.

I AM STERNBERG'S TRIANGLE PERSONIFIED.

  

recent self portrait

I finished his resume today.

I must persevere. Move past this emotional stagnation. I want to be a happy girl, liberated from such contrived feelings. 

I will clean my apartment.

I will feed my cats.

I will pay my rent.

I will finish this blog.

I will feel accomplished.

I do not apologize for calling your female friend a bitch.