Before you, after you

I need to remind myself more often that I can do it on my own and while it's nice to have a person there to back me up, I was here before them and I'll be here after them, God willing.

I just have to make it through to the end of this year.

My cat bit the shit out of my arm.

Goodnight.

505

It's 5:05 a.m. and the whole world is sleeping; I however, am desperately searching the inner sanctum of my brain trying to remember the things I learned in college to ensure that the rest of this blog entry is eloquently put.

My feet smell terrible; I either have to start wearing socks or purchase new shoes, also possibly stop working if that could be a thing where I do nothing but also somehow get paid for that.

It's been a while since I've updated so let me give you the rundown of how my trip to NYC went:

-I hung out with my best friend for 4 days straight
-I saw a handful of the best people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing
-I missed some people that I wanted to see, but I'll visit again soon
-We ate some badass food
-We drank from BKLN to LES, East Village to SoHo
-Got lost in Greenpoint at 5 a.m.
-Remembered what it was like to fall in love with a city
-Saw a Broadway show with James Fucking Franco
-Said Goodbye
-Sprinted through a terminal
-Stopped in Chicago
- Flew home to my cats

You guys, YOU GUYS, I really needed that. Leaving your problems behind is not how you fix things, but it helps a shit ton.

I haven't been with Tim in 3.5 months (+/- 2 weeks) and its okay. I sent my cake and I'm okay. I won't say that I don't harbor some real resentment towards him because I do, but I'm just not that big of a person and I never claimed to be.

3 really is the magic number, y'all.

The more I think about my relationship with Tim, the more I realized that our relationship was based on my ertocised vision of this person who possessed what I believed I wanted in a partner. I was looking for the qualities I'd found in men I'd dated before; Tim was my type: tall, thin, and disaffected, and it's funny that you only notice that all of these attributes were a-typical of the failures of relationships past.


 I am a young hispanic female and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. 

I've recovered and I am content.

Now comes the nitty gritty, the thing you'll judge me for, and the reason for your exaggerated sigh:

*I am seeing someone now. 

*if you count weekly casual encounters + lunches/dinners as dating; I'll need his conformation on this one. 

I am often amazed that I've made it this far because when it comes to feelings one-on-one I am bad about sharing them. I find myself currently in this kerfluffle if you will, with this gentleman person because I don't know how to approach uncomfortable topics of conversation without behaving like a love sick 4 year old.

I'VE GOT KINDERGARTEN EMOTIONS AND I'M UNABLE TO SHARE THEM WITH OTHERS IN A MANNER THAT MAKES FUCKING SENSE.

You see the problem here is that I've allowed myself to become involved with a person, a beautiful, exceptional person.

Did you see that?! FEELINGS?!

!!!!!!!!!!!????

I don't know how to have that awkward conversation where you tell your casual partner that you're "batshit crazy" and hope that he can "see passed that and entertain the idea of exclusivity" without "any pressure". I guess I just really kind of like this guy and like, if he fucks someone else I'm gonna be real pissed off.

I might be jumping the gun here, shit, if he still wants to share a bed with me after this week then we'll consider it progress because my cat attacked him and he got cellulitis and it was his birthday.

Ok, here's a picture, I don't know if any of this made sense.

Bye.