Crimson Surfing

This post is going to be...graphic-ish.

I started my menstrual cycle today, and while it's not my very first, it is my first in a long time.

I sat in the bathroom this morning and coming to that realization I felt two things: inconceivable joy and unrelenting sadness. I cried. Women menstruate, it's generally unspectacular and life goes on, but then when it's gone- your body is different and it's telling you the only way it ever could; it was the most painful period I've ever had. 

Enough about periods.

I thought about the film "Her" today; I saw it with Tim in theatres a few months ago. I remember feeling like sand and sunshine when the film began, positrons teeming with energy, and as the story progressed I changed from a brilliant star to a red dwarf, a dying star, and before the supernova something spectacular happened and saved the world from being swallowed up by space, yes, this is how the film made me feel. I don't think I stayed with Tim that evening, because I remember him sending me a few texts that made me feel...secure. I couldn't tell you now verbatim what he wrote, but I distinctly remember him saying that the film was an inspiration for us both to be better partners to/for each other. I remember thinking that I only ever wanted to be a good partner for Tim, because for the first time I didn't feel like I was getting the short end of the stick.

I try sometimes to engage him in conversation, even though every website/self help program insists on a 30 days no contact clause that I'm a week short of. I cannot help myself sometimes, because I really miss him. I don't understand why it's so difficult to just be honest with people, why should there be repercussions for telling people the truth? The texting is sporadic and everytime he responds it feels so cold, often mechanic, and it draws me back to all the questions that keep me up. I wonder how he feels?

I have these flashes of austere non reality- unpleasant thing's that haven't happened; I imagine Tim dating someone else. It has been the salt on my wound. Please, don't ever let him date anyone cooler than I am. I cannot handle something like that.

Please make sure she is obese and has weird body hair, and please let every single one of his friends hate her.

Tonight I remembered when he had too much to drink after hours at work, I stayed with him while he closed ; he was wearing his then-new pearl snap shirt he'd purchased at the levi's store. He fervently washed glasses and I sat and watched; he commented on how warm it was inside the building and before I knew it he'd taken off his shirt and continued to wash.

I started a new job recently and tonight was unkind to me; so many lost drinks, so many tickets, so little cocktails learned, I was a complete greenhorn tonight. 

Major sad face :(

I'll leave you with this song, that gives me hope and I'm going to hit the sheets tonight and pray, like I've been praying, and I hope the powers that be hear me. 

Today

Today was great. I had a great day.

The only thing in the entire universe that could make today better is a hug from Tim. I miss Tim's hugs. 

Also, $2,000,000,000. I wish I had $2,000,000,000.

As Tears Go By

It's the last* cold snap of the season which means two things: today is miserable, and April is now a winter month.

*there is no substantiating evidence to back up this claim and I am not a meteorologist 

I really thought that by this time I'd feel better, have more energy, and just be on an upward swing but instead I feel like I'm drowning; I seriously don't know what to do. I had lunch with a friend of mine who I rarely get to spend time with but genuinely enjoy; we talked about what our lives have been like lately, what's changed, our post trauma goals. We finished lunch and I headed to the mall with my best friend and then it started to hit me; I felt this enormous wave of despair overwhelm me.

We sat in the car, joked, talked, laughed but it was hard for me not to sit there and just explode. I just needed to unload, but I knew that this wasn't the time for that and even though she's the only person I can be around that often, I needed to go home. It took everything inside of me to not  immediately begin to cry and tell her that I feel like nothing is getting better and that everything is getting worse.

I know now what genuine depression feels like.


One month ago I had a medical procedure done that left me feeling entirely empty, two weeks later my boyfriend broke up with me without warning, and one week ago I was fired from my job because I was too sad.

I have these dreams where it's not so bad and Tim is there and we're sitting in his living room and he looks up at me from his couch and he sees me the way he used to.

God help me

If anyone is listening, please, please help me because I have never felt this lost before in my entire life. I cry all the time, I sleep as often as I can, and I cannot find relief from this horrible state of being. I am completely lost.

Memory Lane

You guys, I know all of you are super stoked about Game of Thrones and what not but something monumental happened when we were sleeping- Netflix released all the seasons of House. In light of this holiday, I proceeded to watch House at 7 a.m. because my body hates sleeping and by extension my happiness.

Today was exceptionally beautiful, warm air and sweet wind swept through the city and it was the most perfect day in Houston history. All beauty aside, it's hard to acknowledge when you're still nursing a broken heart but I'm keeping my day's busy and it's helping a bit.

In the previous post I talked about my self help program and the homework I was assigned in order to achieve the results I'm seeking. I opened module 6 today and it was nestled in between "take a stark look at yourself" and "think of a fond memory of your previous relationship and try not to cry" so naturally I proceeded to read through the rest of the module and cry like a baby. Even though the tears were steady and warm I believe that as the day wore on and the words mulled though every center of my brain, progress was a'brewin.

In a brief summary the module instructed that I think about my favorite memory of my relationship with Tim. I sat and pondered, running through the list of all the things we'd done together, every detail I could conjure up, and I narrowed it down to the one. So, here we go.

Tim and I traveled to Austin earlier this year because I was participating in a wonderful event called Speed Rack; we stayed with his favorite aunt which in turn made me feel very close to him because I was beginning to understand more of what his family was like and how it made him the person he is. On our second day of vacation we woke early and traveled to Hamilton Pool, it was cool but sunny and as we arrived I felt grateful that I got to share this moment with someone so special.

We walked down the trail, examining different parts of the tributary that fed into the pool, watching small rapids, skipping rocks, looking for fish, pointing out stagnant zones in the otherwise alive river and then we we're welcomed to a place where time didn't matter and mother nature surely vacations. It was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. I'd never known perfection until that very moment. We ventured under the rock face where the water poured over us but never touching our bodies, making our way around. I thought about summer, and how I was sure that we'd come back when it was warm and swim in the pool that God made just for young lovers like us. I watched Tim traverse the rocks ahead of me in shoes that didn't belong in this terrain but his feet still diligently exploring as the rest of his body followed.

This is the rock Tim slid off of

We arrived at the midpoint on the underside of the rock and then much like a Charlie Chaplin skit where he topples over, Tim lost his footing and slid down the rock beneath him. He looked like a log rolling down a hill, and as he got back to his feet with a "watch out that's really slippery" , I could only laugh.That laugh is my favorite of all the laughs we ever shared.

I sat in bed earlier, prepping for sleep, and then it rushed over me and I cried because I miss him but then after a moment I remembered his little tumble, the way he looked, and that laugh and it made me smile. Even as I write, I'm laughing and maybe it means I'm getting better, maybe that's a sign of progress, whatever it is, it feels nice to forget about how sad I've been.

It's been 14 days since I saw him last but tonight he made me laugh.

Everything was beautiful

April Showers

I can't tell if it's the weather or the fact that I've had 5 hours of sleep in the last 2 days, but today I feel exceptionally shitty. It's a bit cool outside and the rain, although light, has been steady- it's the kind of weather you feel like when you're having a terrible day. Just bottoms.

After Tim broke up with me (like, 2 weeks ago) I entered a self-help program because I felt like a loser and I felt stuck, unable to single out a reason for our break up and then thinking about my relationships before him and why they were failures. As most of you know, I split up with my now ex husband a little more than two years ago (which means this blog is in need of a birthday party!) and it's been a really weird ride, but after a year of drowning my problems in whiskey and food, I feel like I'm finally past the resentment stage of divorce. Don't get me wrong,  I will always remember the hurt that he caused, the mess he made, and how he left me with nothing, but when I think about it now, I don't get angry the way I used to.

Moving forward, I joined this self-help program on the strong recommendation of a friend because I am bad at relationships(?). I always get dumped, like, always, you guys know, just scroll through the archives and examine the evidence; I don't know what it is about me but men like me and then like fucking clockwork they wake up and are like " well, thanks for the ride, it was cool". I. Don't. Fucking. Get. It. Anyway, it's a *30 day program that "forces you to take a good look at the reasons for failed relationships" all the while "training you to appreciate and acknowledge who you are and all the wonderful things about you". I know it sounds, well, pathetic, but you guys, I am grasping at fucking straws here and I'll do just about anything to get me out of "this" whatever "this" is.

2 Sundays and 5 completed program modules later, I'm not 100 percent convinced, but I'm trying to be positive and stick with it. There's a lot of "homework" that comes along with the modules which usually look like worksheets with 3 to 5 questions on them whose questions are designed to make you examine and analyze your recently failed relationship and what role you played in "getting dumped". This is where I'm left looking for the bread trail; events, idiosyncrasies, lack of mutual understanding, bad clothes, dirty hair, body odor, but nothing stands out immediately which is making this all that much more difficult; what now? All I know for sure is that despite everything, all the anger, hurt, and feeling of absolute despair, deep down inside of my fleshy exterior, all red and hot, I really miss Tim.

I'm going to see this program through, because I spent 50 dollars on it and I need a little boost of self-esteem, and I'll hope that somewhere deep down inside of Tim, there is something sandwiched between the day we met and the day he broke up with me that he misses, even if it's just a little, even if it's every now and again.


* I can't tell you the name of the program because I will absolutely die from embarrassment also because I haven't completed it  and if it turns out to be a bunch of hooey I'd hate you to spend 50 dollars on some complete tripe

A Completely Serious Prayer

Dear God,

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please help me out here; I cannot go back to online dating. I don't have any intention of going out on a date just yet, but when it happens, please let it be with someone who is a real person that I've met. I'm not sure if you're privy to the nightmarish reality of online dating, but rest assured, it is the seventh circle of hell. Everytime I reactivate my old OKCupid profile I am reminded that even if I "like" them I genuinely already hate them. I swipe through so many profiles, always to the left, always "no", and it's weird because in the back of my mind I want all of them to be Tim. I don't want to date other people, I want to date Tim. Please help me, O Lord, because I'm really feeling some serious neglect. Furthermore, I'd like to talk to you about these stomach aches I have, they're really awful and they've been a real nuisance lately. I'm almost done, but if you could help me sleep a little better so I'm not always such a grump that would be cool too, but if I have to pick and choose I'd like it way more if you could help me procure that job in  Manhattan so that I can get away from here. Here is painful and sad and I really just want to go back home now. Finally, if you could help me not be so pathetic that would be way rad. Send me a sign that it's going to be alright, because I'm losing steam fast and I could really used a boost.

Amen. <3




Alright I lied, this is the last thing, if you could make breakfast magically appear that would be the ultimate gift. I mean really, just tops.

Of Sailing The Sea and Seeing The Stars

Today was hard and unhappy, and I'm still reeling.

I thought about the first time I met you, it was a Sunday and I was walking around my new neighborhood and happened upon a friend outside your bar. I thought about the first time you kissed me, wedged in between my doorway with the sun out and the street busy. I thought about our first date, and when you kissed me on the roof of the building next door to my apartment. I thought about the last time I saw you, different from any other time I ever looked at you. And tonight, or this morning rather, I'll dream about you, and I'll say all the things I didn't say when I wanted to.One day you'll be just like the others, a pleasant thought, a favorite food, a fragrant flower- an object familiar. I won't dream of you forever, or maybe I will, I don't know for sure, but at least for now I'll make it sweet and when I wake I'll pinch myself.