It's always darkest before the dawn

I am unsure of a lot of things, and I'm pretty scared to admit most things, but what I'm most afraid of is falling in love with someone who cannot stand to love me back.
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Maybe I'm making up stories in my head, and maybe these scenarios don't actually exist, but I'm so out of control lately I can't tell which end is up and I just got pulled under a rapid. I find myself praying more, evoking the Lord, asking for his(her?) help. This is not the place for theological discussion; I'm just a girl who feels in over her head.

I just don't want it to be over yet, okay?

Playing Fast and Loose

I want to fall in love, and I want to do it with you.

Every day I'm floating further and further away, so close to the stratosphere and closer still to the sun and I'm afraid I'm going to get burned. It's a feeling of unbridled joy and impending doom, how is it that the human condition is capable of this, these multifaceted feelings? I'm 200 dollars in at the craps table in a seedy casino and I don't know the rules.

If anything else, I just want to be in your company and share a cheese plate.

I would love nothing more than to share my cheese with you, so let me do it.

And Therein Lies The Problem

I will admit that I am a jealous person, I always have been and I always will be. I am not perfect so I feel like it's okay to have a fault that so many other posses and while I struggle with keeping it under control, I think I do a pretty good job at not letting my jealousy get the best of me in a female-male dynamic.

I have been extremely jealous as of late.

There are a lot of factors playing into this feeling, for one, I haven't established a ground with my casual partner whom for this post and future posts I will refer to as "Mr. Kite", I should do this, I should have that conversation that I really don't want to have, I should come to terms with that fact that ultimately I cannot force him to not see other people, and I should understand that if he can't keep himself from sleeping with other women, no matter how much I like him, he is not the one for me and I'll have to do what's best for me and let it go.

So many grown up decisions.

I am insecure; I haven't skated for a while and that was always what kept my spirits high and made me feel valued and strong. I remember feeling insecure when my ex husband would go to the sports bar down the street from our apartment, and he'd ask me why I hated going there and I'd feel ashamed, sad, and angry all at the same time and reply "because, I don't look like those girls and I never will".  Tim did a lot of things for me, but I never felt was secure, and I know that when it comes down to it, feeling secure in a relationship is really important.

This realization has made me sad, and I cried for like, an hour last night.

Sometimes I see Mr. Kite and I feel great and I get full of a certain feeling, a certain "Je ne sais quoi" if you will; I tell myself to play it cool and pretend that I'm not totally stoked and he's there but then I'm an awkward idiot with two left hands when he's around and its tremendously e
mbarrassing. I looked at him and I knew that he was a ladies man and that if I were going to do this, I'd have to deal with that, what I didn't anticipate was actually enjoying the time we spent together which is really having a strange, adverse effect on my brain. Sometimes (always) he flirts with the cocktail waitresses which like, a month ago was no big deal, but now I have to really concentrate on not turning bright red with fury and she hulking out.

You guys, I'm really freaking out here.


Why, emotions?!

He was drunk the other night and he whispered something like "let's just keep doing what we're doing" which completely mindfucked me and I felt weird and clammy after that.

I've got to get a hold of myself here.

KEEP IT TOGETHER, ELLE.