Choose Your Own Adventure

9 months ago Tim broke up with me, and I reflect on that and think about what has changed since that day in March. I'm feeling vulnerable lately, not something I particularly favor feeling but something I cannot change; it's quite cold today.

I was awakened by building inspectors this morning, they knocked on my door with authority as I shot up out of bed and scrambled to find the nearest article of clothing that one could conceivably pass off as "pants". I answered the door with eyes still blurry making their best attempt at adjusting to the daylight that breached my patio doors "Hi! We're building inspectors, did you know we were coming?!" what in the literal fuck is happening right now? "No, sorry, please give me a few minutes to get my shit together, you can come in when I come to" said I to the Inspector. Hurried I picked up things from the floor, tied up trash bags and consolidated what mess I could gather, "good Lord, I'm not ready for this shit but hey, fuck it, whatever" and with that the Inspector entered.

He made his way around, flipping switches, checking the stove, judging me. "I'm just making sure everything is in working order" he said to which I could only reply "well, my AC is broken so if you don't mind mentioning that to my landlord that would be doing me a solid" he assured me that he'd mention it but added that it probably would not provoke my landlord into actually fixing it. The inspector checked the heater "does it ever really get warm in here?"

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA...is that a real question?

 I looked at him and with a straight face I told him that between the huge gaps in the patio doors and high as fuck ceilings I was lucky if I could keep the temperature between 69-70 degrees. He used this little ray gun type device to check the temperature of the air blowing from the ducts "well, the heater only blows air that is about 70 degrees so there's no way it gets too warm in here".

No fucking shit.

Alas came the end of his tour and before his exit he opened the oven to reveal the fucking plastic cake plate that was in my oven, melting because he turned on the god damned oven before he walked all over my fucking apartment. "Uhhh. is that plastic?" he muttered "Don't touch that right now, it's hot as hell." Seriously, dude? For fucks sake, not only did you wake me up and proceed to jostle my life around but you melted my fucking cake plate and almost started a chemical fire?

Okay, cool.

I stepped outside and spoke to my landlord for like, a millisecond "hey, did you happen to leave me a copy of the new lease agreement?" you'v really done it now, Elle. "I'll bring it tomorrow; will you have the rent?" deafening 30 second pause "Yup, just need to go to the bank"


I don't have rent because I'm poor and can't really afford to live here anymore, so you know, your rent is always late.

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

happy new year I am losing my mind. 

If you're up there, Lord, please I could use a break right about now. Anything. Real estate market crash? New fabulous job that includes a benefits package and 65k a year? Armageddon? I'll take it all, man.


Also, if you're listening still, I'd like to fall in love again, you know, maybe for real this time? Or whatever, no big deal.

Okay, well, KIT, see you at temple. <3 p="">