Ides of March

The last time I spoke to Matt was March 27th. We'd hung out the night before and me being the gale force wind I am, felt it necessary to express how pissed off I was for him inviting me to be some bullshit third wheel on his fucked up date.

What the fuck, dude?

He fired off [what felt like] some half-assed apology in a text message for things not panning out better, and because I am crazy and bad at life, decided that he would need to apologize in person.

In hindsight it may have helped if I had actually said "you need to apologize in person" but you know what? I didn't. That was the last time I spoke to Matt and I wish that it had been different.

I saw him 3 days ago in front of a bar, looking the same as he always does.

Fucker.

I walked along the side of the charity bar next door to my job, talking to my friend Chris about virtually nothing it seems when I looked over to the people on the patio and I made eye contact with Matt. In my brain the only thing that made sense was to smile and wave which then started taking place as my synapses began to fire in order, but to my absolute dismay this motherfucker looked away.

I could literally hear what little ego I had just evaporate. 

I fucking went into a coma. I used every brain cell I had to think back on every conversation we'd ever had. Was I really so terrible that instead of greeting each other like friends do, he'd actively avoid engagement? I was raising my hand to wave and had even fashioned a smile when he quickly averted his eyes to nothing. LITERALLY NOTHING. or his friends or what, but I prefer to believe that it was in fact, nothing.
My heart raced so fast I could only recall one other occasion in which my heart literally pounded so hard, I was at this shitty carnival with my grandmother and took a ride on some what had to have been illegally operating tilt-a-whirl because I almost flew off the ride in mid air. Terrifying.

I tried my best to "charge that shit to the game" but it's consumed me recently and it's keeping me up at night. I really miss talking to him, which aggravates me because I know that is such a little bitch thing to say, but it's fucking true. Matt is smart and I miss our banter.

Anyway, I just want to know why you didn't say hi, and I miss you. You know, which isn't weird.

See ya later.