Come on, Vogue.

“At the end of the day, it's just food isn't it? Just food.” – Marco Pierre

I applied to be the assistant of the food critic for Vogue magazine. This is the job listing:

Description

I'm Jeffrey Steingarten, Vogue magazine's food critic. The job is being my part-time (about half) assistant. You may already know me as the ever-so-demanding author of the best-selling The Man Who Ate Everything and It Must've Been Something I Ate. Possibly as co-anchor on NY Eats on television, or as a frequent (grouchy) judge on the Food Network's program, Iron Chef. I have also won twenty James Beard and IACP awards and nominations, the Julia Child Book Award, and two World Gourmand Book Awards. Do you love food to the point of obsession? Are you are a dogged researcher-mining libraries and the Internet for facts that have slipped the attention of others? Do you cook, shop, and repair Xerox machines? Do you enjoy keeping the office, kitchen and your boss organized? Do you write clearly, and think smart even while running errands? Do you look forward to the occasional dinner at a fabulous restaurant? Are you near the start of your professional career, and willing to give a one-year commitment? The job is paid by the hour as a Vogue freelancer, receiving, as I once did, no benefits whatsoever, but expenses and free food. If this is you, fellow omnivore, please apply. In the cover letter, please tell me about your skills, if any, in each of the following areas: 1) cooking 2) academics in general 3) knowledge of food history and food science 4) practical knowledge of food products, produce, and agriculture 5) proficiency in at least one gastronomic foreign language (i.e. not Serbian or Estonian) 6) any other pursuit in which you are especially accomplished. And please don't hesitate to demonstrate your profound understanding of my published works, or admit that you occasionally chuckle when you read them.

This is the email I wrote in response:

My name is Julie Lozano, I am the future assistant to the food critic at Vogue magazine and native Houstonian.. I appeared on television as a child in a commercial produced by the tourism committee in Houston. I worked for the Library a few years ago, and I am the proud owner of five surly cats whom I love. I was married for some time, and in that time I:

-Graduated from College (B.A. English Lit)
-Held multiple jobs
-Cared for a full grown Man-child
-Made dinner every night of the week

 One might ponder how it is possible to accomplish so much with so little time, so I will give you the answer: time manipulation. Impressed? I thought you might be.  When it comes to the kitchen, I'm a no hold barred kind of lady and I go full blown Iron Chef. I approach food with no fear, no expectations, and no presumptions- it's all about quality for me. I have had the privilege of living in a city with a burgeoning cuisine scene and a roster full of chefs with high accolades and impressive resumes. Houston offered me her bounty, and I graciously accepted. I submerged myself in the service industry early on, and with that initial submergence I have learned a great deal. Attending seminars, conventions, classes, and other various activities has provided the fuel for me to not only enjoy the food I consume on a different level, it's helped me appreciate the science that goes into transforming a few organically grown apples to a five star dessert worthy of the most scrutinized pallet. A meal is so much more than just that, its a cacophony of subjects, history, science, art, that is constructed into a symphony of flavor, balance, and culinary ingenuity. I'm not just another applicant, I am a real person with honest opinions, little fear, and no reservations. You need your Xerox machine repaired? I'll do it. Want your dry cleaning picked up? Consider it done. Have an itch you just can't scratch? I've got your back and really long fingernails. Someone really piss you off? I will punch them square in the face, just for you. In all seriousness, I love food, I love writing, and I love New York City. I've got mad skills that are rivaled by only the best emcee's and nothing but unadulterated time and dedication for an opportunity like this. You can help me change my life and kick start my career, at least let me buy you coffee, schedule your meetings, do your laundry, cook you dinner, and give you a well deserved high five. I speak, read, and write in Spanish, and I can tell you all the snarky things agitated waitstaff say when they flip script and cut up in Spanish. Did I mention I play Roller Derby? Oh no? Silly me. Roller Derby, a sport I dived into head first and came out on top. If you've never seen a bout, do yourself a favor and check it out, its the most amazing thing I've ever done and given the chance, I will talk about it until I run out of breath or you run out of the ability to care, whichever comes first. If this email should fail to pique your interest, at least I tried, and I'll always fondly recall the time I applied for a job as an assistant to the food critic at Vogue magazine. “At the end of the day, it's just food isn't it? Just food.” – Marco Pierre


Stay hungry,

Julie Lozano

I don't care if I get rejected, I just want a response. Come on, Vogue, tell me you love me.