Down In The Dumps

Yesterday evening my boyfriend of roughly 5 months broke up with me and it was the suckiest Monday in the history of the world.

Today I vowed not to wallow in my sadness, and while it hasn't been the raging success I envisioned, it was .005 percent less horrible than yesterday.

In literary terms its referred to as foreshadowing, but what do you call that ominous feeling that looms over what you're sure to be a dark month? He had changed, he no longer cuddled me when we slept, his touches were less tender, and when he spoke to me his words were colder. It wasn't a clean break, certainly not swift and in the end I'm left with more questions than I feel I can handle, at least right now, but I am trying my best. I feel shafted. He sat at the end of my bed and made small talk:
"Did you get new bed sheets?" , "How was your weekend?" it was as if he'd never met me, some stranger forcing him to engage in conversation. I stayed relatively quiet, because I knew that it was coming to an end, and although I had prepared for it for the last week I was still caught off guard by his simple words.

"I came here today to tell you that I don't think we should see each other anymore" (simultaneously inserting a double serrated edge dagger into my already bleeding heart)

My heart sank, my stomach froze, and my eyes welled. "I haven't been happy for a month"(twisting the dagger, delivering the death blow) he went on "I thought maybe it was just me or something but I don't think that it is" (at this point I was imploding and I no longer could think straight so the last quote is a summation of what I believe he said). I swear I could feel the universe collapsing.

Now, there is a back story here, and while I cannot share it, I will tell you that the preface to the week that lead to this blog post was what one would consider a "doozie". I sat there before him and cried, because when you lose someone you love, crying is completely appropriate. I tried my best to look at him and I began "why did you wait so long?" I was awash in what felt like thick ash and acid rain- my mind raced and just as quickly as I was distraught I was also infuriated. With all the time that we shared I feel as if I was robbed of an ending that suited the story of us. So little was said and in my blindness I let him leave with "Good bye, Julie".

I felt defeated right then and today I feel just as bad, but writing is helping. Maybe it's helping? Last night I left him a message that in so many words told him that I just tried to be a good girlfriend and that he matters to me and that I care for him so profoundly.

I don't know what's going to happen, but for now I'll be sad and I'll post the love letter that I wrote to him but never sent.



Dear Tim,

I am writing you a love letter on the internet, because I'm a writer and I don't have your email address. I wanted to let you know that I know you're having a really hard time and it's okay. I don't know what's going on inside your head, but I know that despite my best efforts it's not really something I can help you with, but I'll try anyway.

I wanted you to know that no matter what it is, whether it's just a case of the blues or if you're unhappy in our relationship, you can talk to me about it. Seriously. I have your back, Tim, 100 percent of the time. My mind has been racing for a week straight because I can sense the discordance you're feeling- it's been a really crazy fort night, but I want to tell you that I'm willing to work through whatever it is if you're just as willing.

I've been mulling over the idea of a break-up because we're adults and sometimes those things happen, and I've been praying every night that I'm just being my crazy old self and making things up, but if you really wanted out as sad as it would make me, I'd understand. I could try and make a case and serve you a list a million miles long on why we should stay together, but in the end if you're unhappy then I'm unhappy and well...I just can't have that be a thing.

It has been an incredibly hard 24 months, and I have so many dark spots marring my memories but meeting you has truly been the biggest highlight in what was such an abysmal time in my life. You are special to me. If it all comes crashing down and there's nothing left, I'll still remember you as the best boyfriend I ever had, because you are so many things. You are grumpy, cynical, critical, beautiful, opinionated, rational, irrational, smart, dumb, handsome, curious, frugal, obtuse, funny, handsome, open, loving, caring, wonderful, manic, above all you are perfect. You are so perfect. Whatever happens, whatever you do, no matter what, don't ever change because you are the best person anyone could ever be and I love you, whatever that might mean.

I love you and I'll let you go, but for now, I'll just love you.

Feel better my sweet darling, it will get better, that I can promise you.

Please excuse the redundancy of the first half of the letter and the poor composition of the latter, it's late and I'm tired.