Ok Stupid

Tonight I went on a date with a guy I met via OkCupid, and while I anticipated something close to the 10th circle of hell, it was actually pretty great.

I ran into Tim, he ignored me, I died a little, and that was the end of that.

We had a few beers, I drank a topo chico.

My date did not get to come upstairs because I can't imagine being close to anyone just yet but at least I know that I can get back on the horse that tried to kill me.

Poor guy was so bummed.

My neighbor is drunk and asleep on the couch in the foyer;

and I still miss Tim and my heart is still broken.

April Showers

I can't tell if it's the weather or the fact that I've had 5 hours of sleep in the last 2 days, but today I feel exceptionally shitty. It's a bit cool outside and the rain, although light, has been steady- it's the kind of weather you feel like when you're having a terrible day. Just bottoms.

After Tim broke up with me (like, 2 weeks ago) I entered a self-help program because I felt like a loser and I felt stuck, unable to single out a reason for our break up and then thinking about my relationships before him and why they were failures. As most of you know, I split up with my now ex husband a little more than two years ago (which means this blog is in need of a birthday party!) and it's been a really weird ride, but after a year of drowning my problems in whiskey and food, I feel like I'm finally past the resentment stage of divorce. Don't get me wrong,  I will always remember the hurt that he caused, the mess he made, and how he left me with nothing, but when I think about it now, I don't get angry the way I used to.

Moving forward, I joined this self-help program on the strong recommendation of a friend because I am bad at relationships(?). I always get dumped, like, always, you guys know, just scroll through the archives and examine the evidence; I don't know what it is about me but men like me and then like fucking clockwork they wake up and are like " well, thanks for the ride, it was cool". I. Don't. Fucking. Get. It. Anyway, it's a *30 day program that "forces you to take a good look at the reasons for failed relationships" all the while "training you to appreciate and acknowledge who you are and all the wonderful things about you". I know it sounds, well, pathetic, but you guys, I am grasping at fucking straws here and I'll do just about anything to get me out of "this" whatever "this" is.

2 Sundays and 5 completed program modules later, I'm not 100 percent convinced, but I'm trying to be positive and stick with it. There's a lot of "homework" that comes along with the modules which usually look like worksheets with 3 to 5 questions on them whose questions are designed to make you examine and analyze your recently failed relationship and what role you played in "getting dumped". This is where I'm left looking for the bread trail; events, idiosyncrasies, lack of mutual understanding, bad clothes, dirty hair, body odor, but nothing stands out immediately which is making this all that much more difficult; what now? All I know for sure is that despite everything, all the anger, hurt, and feeling of absolute despair, deep down inside of my fleshy exterior, all red and hot, I really miss Tim.

I'm going to see this program through, because I spent 50 dollars on it and I need a little boost of self-esteem, and I'll hope that somewhere deep down inside of Tim, there is something sandwiched between the day we met and the day he broke up with me that he misses, even if it's just a little, even if it's every now and again.


* I can't tell you the name of the program because I will absolutely die from embarrassment also because I haven't completed it  and if it turns out to be a bunch of hooey I'd hate you to spend 50 dollars on some complete tripe

Down In The Dumps

Yesterday evening my boyfriend of roughly 5 months broke up with me and it was the suckiest Monday in the history of the world.

Today I vowed not to wallow in my sadness, and while it hasn't been the raging success I envisioned, it was .005 percent less horrible than yesterday.

In literary terms its referred to as foreshadowing, but what do you call that ominous feeling that looms over what you're sure to be a dark month? He had changed, he no longer cuddled me when we slept, his touches were less tender, and when he spoke to me his words were colder. It wasn't a clean break, certainly not swift and in the end I'm left with more questions than I feel I can handle, at least right now, but I am trying my best. I feel shafted. He sat at the end of my bed and made small talk:
"Did you get new bed sheets?" , "How was your weekend?" it was as if he'd never met me, some stranger forcing him to engage in conversation. I stayed relatively quiet, because I knew that it was coming to an end, and although I had prepared for it for the last week I was still caught off guard by his simple words.

"I came here today to tell you that I don't think we should see each other anymore" (simultaneously inserting a double serrated edge dagger into my already bleeding heart)

My heart sank, my stomach froze, and my eyes welled. "I haven't been happy for a month"(twisting the dagger, delivering the death blow) he went on "I thought maybe it was just me or something but I don't think that it is" (at this point I was imploding and I no longer could think straight so the last quote is a summation of what I believe he said). I swear I could feel the universe collapsing.

Now, there is a back story here, and while I cannot share it, I will tell you that the preface to the week that lead to this blog post was what one would consider a "doozie". I sat there before him and cried, because when you lose someone you love, crying is completely appropriate. I tried my best to look at him and I began "why did you wait so long?" I was awash in what felt like thick ash and acid rain- my mind raced and just as quickly as I was distraught I was also infuriated. With all the time that we shared I feel as if I was robbed of an ending that suited the story of us. So little was said and in my blindness I let him leave with "Good bye, Julie".

I felt defeated right then and today I feel just as bad, but writing is helping. Maybe it's helping? Last night I left him a message that in so many words told him that I just tried to be a good girlfriend and that he matters to me and that I care for him so profoundly.

I don't know what's going to happen, but for now I'll be sad and I'll post the love letter that I wrote to him but never sent.

Inaugration

I may not remember this day tomorrow, but documented in words the memory lives forever.


It took me approximately  8,0381 days to come to the realization that it is time to stop settling and start carpe diem-ing.

I suppose the adage "living well is the best revenge" is true- because in retrospect it honestly is. I was stuck in a relationship that was doomed from the get-go, it ended, I was crushed, and I spent two weeks in a state of anger/bereavement. Two weeks too long to care. I am done with men who make me feel bad about myself and hold  me back from my full potential. I WILL NEVER LET A MAN HOLD ME BACK EVER AGAIN.

I just got real riot girl for a second.
This is my catharsis. Bigger and better awaits me.  Some people are assholes, some are sociopaths, some are benevolent beings, and everyone else is just trying to make it out alive. I resolve to write one thing, something, anything every day until I can find the writer I used to be. Stay tuned, learn with me, help me grow, watch me make grammatical errors, use oxford commas, and make giant leaps into the unknown.

This is for everyone who has ever settled- it is time to get inspired and start being awesome you.

Enough cheese for now- see you soon.

Elle Kay