Down In The Dumps

Yesterday evening my boyfriend of roughly 5 months broke up with me and it was the suckiest Monday in the history of the world.

Today I vowed not to wallow in my sadness, and while it hasn't been the raging success I envisioned, it was .005 percent less horrible than yesterday.

In literary terms its referred to as foreshadowing, but what do you call that ominous feeling that looms over what you're sure to be a dark month? He had changed, he no longer cuddled me when we slept, his touches were less tender, and when he spoke to me his words were colder. It wasn't a clean break, certainly not swift and in the end I'm left with more questions than I feel I can handle, at least right now, but I am trying my best. I feel shafted. He sat at the end of my bed and made small talk:
"Did you get new bed sheets?" , "How was your weekend?" it was as if he'd never met me, some stranger forcing him to engage in conversation. I stayed relatively quiet, because I knew that it was coming to an end, and although I had prepared for it for the last week I was still caught off guard by his simple words.

"I came here today to tell you that I don't think we should see each other anymore" (simultaneously inserting a double serrated edge dagger into my already bleeding heart)

My heart sank, my stomach froze, and my eyes welled. "I haven't been happy for a month"(twisting the dagger, delivering the death blow) he went on "I thought maybe it was just me or something but I don't think that it is" (at this point I was imploding and I no longer could think straight so the last quote is a summation of what I believe he said). I swear I could feel the universe collapsing.

Now, there is a back story here, and while I cannot share it, I will tell you that the preface to the week that lead to this blog post was what one would consider a "doozie". I sat there before him and cried, because when you lose someone you love, crying is completely appropriate. I tried my best to look at him and I began "why did you wait so long?" I was awash in what felt like thick ash and acid rain- my mind raced and just as quickly as I was distraught I was also infuriated. With all the time that we shared I feel as if I was robbed of an ending that suited the story of us. So little was said and in my blindness I let him leave with "Good bye, Julie".

I felt defeated right then and today I feel just as bad, but writing is helping. Maybe it's helping? Last night I left him a message that in so many words told him that I just tried to be a good girlfriend and that he matters to me and that I care for him so profoundly.

I don't know what's going to happen, but for now I'll be sad and I'll post the love letter that I wrote to him but never sent.

Inaugration

I may not remember this day tomorrow, but documented in words the memory lives forever.


It took me approximately  8,0381 days to come to the realization that it is time to stop settling and start carpe diem-ing.

I suppose the adage "living well is the best revenge" is true- because in retrospect it honestly is. I was stuck in a relationship that was doomed from the get-go, it ended, I was crushed, and I spent two weeks in a state of anger/bereavement. Two weeks too long to care. I am done with men who make me feel bad about myself and hold  me back from my full potential. I WILL NEVER LET A MAN HOLD ME BACK EVER AGAIN.

I just got real riot girl for a second.
This is my catharsis. Bigger and better awaits me.  Some people are assholes, some are sociopaths, some are benevolent beings, and everyone else is just trying to make it out alive. I resolve to write one thing, something, anything every day until I can find the writer I used to be. Stay tuned, learn with me, help me grow, watch me make grammatical errors, use oxford commas, and make giant leaps into the unknown.

This is for everyone who has ever settled- it is time to get inspired and start being awesome you.

Enough cheese for now- see you soon.

Elle Kay