A Completely Serious Prayer

Dear God,

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please help me out here; I cannot go back to online dating. I don't have any intention of going out on a date just yet, but when it happens, please let it be with someone who is a real person that I've met. I'm not sure if you're privy to the nightmarish reality of online dating, but rest assured, it is the seventh circle of hell. Everytime I reactivate my old OKCupid profile I am reminded that even if I "like" them I genuinely already hate them. I swipe through so many profiles, always to the left, always "no", and it's weird because in the back of my mind I want all of them to be Tim. I don't want to date other people, I want to date Tim. Please help me, O Lord, because I'm really feeling some serious neglect. Furthermore, I'd like to talk to you about these stomach aches I have, they're really awful and they've been a real nuisance lately. I'm almost done, but if you could help me sleep a little better so I'm not always such a grump that would be cool too, but if I have to pick and choose I'd like it way more if you could help me procure that job in  Manhattan so that I can get away from here. Here is painful and sad and I really just want to go back home now. Finally, if you could help me not be so pathetic that would be way rad. Send me a sign that it's going to be alright, because I'm losing steam fast and I could really used a boost.

Amen. <3




Alright I lied, this is the last thing, if you could make breakfast magically appear that would be the ultimate gift. I mean really, just tops.