Crimson Surfing

This post is going to be...graphic-ish.

I started my menstrual cycle today, and while it's not my very first, it is my first in a long time.

I sat in the bathroom this morning and coming to that realization I felt two things: inconceivable joy and unrelenting sadness. I cried. Women menstruate, it's generally unspectacular and life goes on, but then when it's gone- your body is different and it's telling you the only way it ever could; it was the most painful period I've ever had. 

Enough about periods.

I thought about the film "Her" today; I saw it with Tim in theatres a few months ago. I remember feeling like sand and sunshine when the film began, positrons teeming with energy, and as the story progressed I changed from a brilliant star to a red dwarf, a dying star, and before the supernova something spectacular happened and saved the world from being swallowed up by space, yes, this is how the film made me feel. I don't think I stayed with Tim that evening, because I remember him sending me a few texts that made me feel...secure. I couldn't tell you now verbatim what he wrote, but I distinctly remember him saying that the film was an inspiration for us both to be better partners to/for each other. I remember thinking that I only ever wanted to be a good partner for Tim, because for the first time I didn't feel like I was getting the short end of the stick.

I try sometimes to engage him in conversation, even though every website/self help program insists on a 30 days no contact clause that I'm a week short of. I cannot help myself sometimes, because I really miss him. I don't understand why it's so difficult to just be honest with people, why should there be repercussions for telling people the truth? The texting is sporadic and everytime he responds it feels so cold, often mechanic, and it draws me back to all the questions that keep me up. I wonder how he feels?

I have these flashes of austere non reality- unpleasant thing's that haven't happened; I imagine Tim dating someone else. It has been the salt on my wound. Please, don't ever let him date anyone cooler than I am. I cannot handle something like that.

Please make sure she is obese and has weird body hair, and please let every single one of his friends hate her.

Tonight I remembered when he had too much to drink after hours at work, I stayed with him while he closed ; he was wearing his then-new pearl snap shirt he'd purchased at the levi's store. He fervently washed glasses and I sat and watched; he commented on how warm it was inside the building and before I knew it he'd taken off his shirt and continued to wash.

I started a new job recently and tonight was unkind to me; so many lost drinks, so many tickets, so little cocktails learned, I was a complete greenhorn tonight. 

Major sad face :(

I'll leave you with this song, that gives me hope and I'm going to hit the sheets tonight and pray, like I've been praying, and I hope the powers that be hear me.